I don’t know how to drive.
I mean, I still do it, I just have no idea what I’m doing. I fly through red lights. Flood the engine. Strip the gears. No, that’s not true. I don’t even know what that means. Strip the gears? I have a visual, but it’s probably not right, of a gear dancing up on a stage bent over a pole while other car parts try to stick dollar bills in it’s g-string. Sure, the gear tells you it’s just trying to work it’s way through college, but somewhere deep down you know the life of easy money and cheap crack will suck it in.
Where was I?
I actually don’t know how to drive. I don’t have a license, have never had a license and though I’m fairly sure I could start a car and move it, I’m pretty sure I would only end up moving it as close as the nearest (a) wall (b) other car (c) Hobo.
My lack of license and know-how isn’t intentional. When I was sixteen I fully planned on getting my license, but somehow I never got around to it. There were always buses, and lifts from friends, and camels. For the longest time I would do that thing that Michael J. Fox did in “Back To The Future” and just hold on to the back of cars while riding a skateboard and hope they were going in my direction. I ended up in Boston once doing that. It was winter. Not pleasant.
Suddenly, time’s gone by and I still have no idea how to drive and to be truthful the idea of learning now is actually a bit
expensive scary. I can’t picture myself behind the wheel, commanding this huge piece of metal that, at my will, can reach velocities that are simply unnatural for human beings. I’ve tried and I just start screaming when the car is moving. “Fuck. Shit. We’re going to crash,” I scream, while moving at a snails pace through an empty Costco parking lot.
I’m great at being a passenger. I can play CD’s and adjust the radio…oh and I’m a master at temperature control. I can ride the bus better than most people (I don’t know what that means but it’s most certainly true).
I imagine it must be liberating to just get in the car and drive wherever you want and sooner rather than later I’m sure I’ll buckle down and get my license (get it? buckle down?). In the meantime, enjoy those Donald-free roads cuz you know, it’s only a matter of time